My sister, Emme, is so beautiful!

Emme Stay

This picture reminds me of us singing Stay at the top of our lungs!

We both always wanted to play the bad sister. We used to take turns while singing this song to each other when we were younger. Soon after, we learned that art truly does mimic life and vice versa.
We also learned that history might not repeat itself, but it sure does echo and rhyme its truth.
I am so grateful you stayed! I wouldn’t be who I am today if you hadn’t pulled through.
I also couldn’t have pulled myself through everything that came after your survival- without YOU!  

Thank you for being my sister! Thank you for being so miraculous! ❤

Hurt worse than withdrawal!


I have loved Phil Collins since before I can remember. My mother told me stories of when I was a child standing up wildly in her car (praying I would sit since there were no car seats then) telling anyone daring to sing along to his music to “keep mum!” That is the polite British way that American brats of two or three years old spout off as, “SHUT UP!” or if an adult today: “Fuck You! This is my Jam!”
No matter my age or origin I still feel ownership over the love I felt and still feel for my idols. I listened to this song mourning David Bowie, and it brought me back to mourning my mother all over again.
I hate my mother for so many reasons and still wish she were here.
I wonder if when she passed on to wherever there might be that she looked back in remorse or if “care” exists in afterlife? It seldom seems to here.

I wonder if she feels guilt on the other side for sticking needles in her arms and all of her children’s hearts? I bet not since there is nothing left here! I am proof of that empty space.

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL! Still, she left me all alone…

You left US! We begged you so many times while you were alive. Fuck! You left us with addiction and scars that are so deep they are invisible and evade us ever finding a cure for the damage that was done!!!

I fucking hate that I love you so much!

Take a good look at me now- I am left standing here, and you are GONE to let me suffer this world you brought me into alone! It’s what I’ve got to face…

Against all odds, I swear I will make a life for myself with the dust you left my hands grasping after.

I have been trying my best…

LOOK MOM! “NO NEEDLES!” I never once trudged the road you created in your wake.

I love and miss you so fucking much it hurts worse than withdrawals! ❤

Can you see me now? Are you out there?


Regina! My favorite Refugee

Regina Spektor is my favorite modern day musical artist. She was also a refugee!
Those that close their hearts and minds to such beauty- I do not hate you. Though, I can only find sympathy and not empathy in my heart for you. I might not understand, but I do have a compassion. I would love to sit with you in a meaningful conversation which might then lead to empathy on both our parts. Until that day comes to fruition, know- I love you! I am here to have this conversation with anyone who does not feel the same. If you find it in your heart to hurt me with war rather than words, I will reciprocate with only love. Your next move will only speak in volume to who you are, and not of your God.

This is Regina Spektor singing to the President of the U.S.A. She is so humbled she is fumbling and shaking in his presence out of sheer honor and respect.

This is her doing the same piece as a music video-

30 Days- Completed!

*On 7/11 I posted this challenge-  * 

For 30 days l was supposed to wake up and listen to Michael Jackson- Man In The Mirror.

I had some pitfalls. Some days I forgot completely. Some days I doubled up and screamed it from the top of my lungs. On July 27th, I married the man of my dreams and love of my life. We eloped in South Lake Tahoe and were married by the most amazing creature. She had a Flock Of Seagulls/Ace Ventura Hairstyle with a twist. She told me she married her hairstylist. Being a hairstylist myself, I took that as a sign I was doing the right thing*cold feet abolished!*

She created such a special ceremony. Filled with prayers, prose and poems. One of them was from the Chippewa tribe which made me ecstatic! Since I used to always pretend I was Wednesday Adams on Thanksgiving holding a revolution for all the souls lost. All three of us were crying by the end of it. It was magical!


When we went inside to do the final paperwork, the radio was on… Guess what song started as soon as we walked in the room! MAN IN THE FUCKING MIRROR BY MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!

Michael and I looked at each other and I just knew… It was a sign. Michael went on to explain to the receptionist that he was named after Mr. Jackson. His older sister was so in love with Michael Jackson that she talked their momma into naming him, Michael.

After 30 days of listening to this song, I have not only married my soulmate, I have begun to exercise, eat better, write consistently, and just feel powerful over myself. -The serenity prayer in full effect.

I do not think this will just be a 30-day challenge. This is a song I will return to often. Especially now that it holds an even deeper meaning to me.