There is a voice in my head that screams in a whisper, “HOLD BACK!”
A piece of me wants nothing more than to listen to this dialect
The rest of me is belligerently vibrant with coy flagrancy
I am a woman birthed from an era between generations
I am an anomaly, singularity, within a paradox of eternities
I am a cell multiplying
Born from the separation of others who held tight
I am not alone
Black hole, ocean tide, daily life
I am whole
Guided by stars, earth, water, fire, universally
Winded by humanity
Clouds comforting my soul
Welcoming the beginning and end
I have loved Phil Collins since before I can remember. My mother told me stories of when I was a child standing up wildly in her car (praying I would sit since there were no car seats then) telling anyone daring to sing along to his music to “keep mum!” That is the polite British way that American brats of two or three years old spout off as, “SHUT UP!” or if an adult today: “Fuck You! This is my Jam!”
No matter my age or origin I still feel ownership over the love I felt and still feel for my idols. I listened to this song mourning David Bowie, and it brought me back to mourning my mother all over again.
I hate my mother for so many reasons and still wish she were here.
I wonder if when she passed on to wherever there might be that she looked back in remorse or if “care” exists in afterlife? It seldom seems to here.
I wonder if she feels guilt on the other side for sticking needles in her arms and all of her children’s hearts? I bet not since there is nothing left here! I am proof of that empty space.
SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL! Still, she left me all alone…
You left US! We begged you so many times while you were alive. Fuck! You left us with addiction and scars that are so deep they are invisible and evade us ever finding a cure for the damage that was done!!!
I fucking hate that I love you so much!
Take a good look at me now- I am left standing here, and you are GONE to let me suffer this world you brought me into alone! It’s what I’ve got to face…
Against all odds, I swear I will make a life for myself with the dust you left my hands grasping after.
I have been trying my best…
LOOK MOM! “NO NEEDLES!” I never once trudged the road you created in your wake.
I love and miss you so fucking much it hurts worse than withdrawals! ❤
Can you see me now? Are you out there?
There is something, this something is everything. It remembers the things I have forgotten. Its forgotten the things I am yet to remember. It loves all that I can possibly hate. It hates all that I can possibly love. It forgives, it resents. Ideas are brewing within this something like a storm. Its thunder is mediocre. Its lightning is revolutionary. It is humble and grandiose! It is who I was and who I am yet to be.
IDEAS– What a dangerous, dangerous thing– Built off of something that can be so beautiful! Something we can all learn from and then turn the page.
AND THEN– TURN THE PAGE ❤
What if you woke up tomorrow morning with no eyes, tongue, hands or ears? With no way to communicate?
If it were to happen to you, I ask- What would be your biggest regret?
For me- It would be my reclusiveness. The book I never finished writing, the poem I never recited, the songs that were never recorded and that they all have gone unshared.